My reflection blog this week is to share two stories from my early days as a child that had significant impact on how I am today. Self-Disclosure is something people “hold back” on because “people anticipate rejection or disapproval”. (McKay, Davis, & Fanning, 2009) There are many stories that have contributed to my personal design. Two very passionate efforts of mine is mentoring and participation in leadership organizations.

Mentoring

In the late 1970’s, I was a small child and I remember working in the family business. My father owned and operated a mid sized auto salvage in rural Kansas. I am the only girl out of four children, and second in the line-up. Each child was required to help in the family business after school and on the weekends. I particularly did not enjoy being a girl covered in automobile grease and dirt, and really wanted to be a normal kid like my friends, who got to ride bikes, play with dolls, and have sleepovers. You did not question my father, because he was a very angry man. My siblings received the hand of my father when he had a bad day, leaving us to be pulled from the family and put into foster care for child abuse on many occasions.

I had a neighbor, Leonard, who was very aware of the family dynamics. I would see this neighbor at the school as he was on the school board. He was always very polite and would occasional check up on me at school to make sure I was okay.  One day Leonard thought he should have a one-on-one conversation with my father. My father did not appreciate Leonard’s approach and we were not allowed to speak to Leonard again. That did not stop Leonard from reaching out to me at school, but he changed his approach. Leonard would listen to my stories about my home life, and one day while I was in high school, he asked if I wanted to go to college. I did not think about going to college, as my parents did not graduate high school. Leonard continued to talk about colleges, careers, and we never talked about my home life again. Leonard became a mentor and provided me with a different experience. I did not realize years ago that my experience with Leonard would instill this deep passion to mentor others. Today, I mentor several new employees within my work group. In our mentor sessions we discuss educational goals, job enrichment, and the importance of mentoring others. This assignment has made me realize that I need to reach out to Leonard and tell him thank you.

A leader

In the summer of 1990, I attended army basic training in Fort Dix, New Jersey. I was barely seventeen years old and I had joined the military for the sole reason of not spending another summer in the family business. The training occurred the summer between my junior and senior year of high school. I had no idea what I was really doing, but I knew I was out of my father’s control. In the first week of training, I was so emotional and would occasional jerk when a drill instructor yelled. One day a female drill instructor pulled me out of training and wanted to know why I had this type of behavior.  We talked about my home life, low self-esteem and the lack of self-confidence. I had a huge fear of failure when leading tasks. For the next seven weeks, the drill sergeant took it upon her self to work with me one-on-one to rebuild my self-confidence by giving me tasks that she knew I could lead and excel, easily. She provided feedback on my leadership skills, and encouraged me to take a leap of faith in respecting my capabilities and not to be scared. 

By the time I graduated basic training, I gained confidence to start my senior year of high school. I felt like I walked taller and always had a smile. My classmates and peers chose me to lead the student government association and to be a class officer.  I joined the Future Business Leaders of America (FLBA) where I was able to attend leadership events with other schools in the region. I never held positions before basic training because I did not think that I had leadership skills, and why would anyone listen to the emotional girl. I did not think people respected me outside what I thought of me.

I feel this experience is what drove my passion for participation. Today as the incoming president of a very large leadership association,  I have spent the last four days in a leadership training with my new executive board and board of directors talking about how to be a leader.  I would never have thought just 26 years ago, the basic training experience would give me the confidence to lead in the magnitude that I am today. I am very grateful.

Fear of Failure

When it comes to the fear of failure, I have been plagued with phobia my entire life. In the last six months, I had to receive a clearance from a psychologist for bariatric weight loss procedure.  This clearance included a three-hour assessment of questions, the resulted in being diagnosed with Atychiphobia, which is an abnormal unwanted and persistent fear of failure.  (The Free Dictionary, 2016)

My psychologist let me know that this phobia was created by the years of my fathers control repeated attempts to let me know I would never amount to anything in life.  Being aware of the phobia, I have learned to not use it as a crutch to keep me from mentoring and participating in leadership opportunities. There are still times when the phobia creeps up and I require some feedback and reassurance to overcome the fear.

Conclusion

Although my experiences as a child do not outline my father as a good character in the story, his overall actions have taught me what not to do as a person and a leader. I was fortunate enough to have had a person care enough to demonstrate mentoring and listening skills. I was blessed to have a drill instructor instantly realize I had more to offer in my training than the emotional disaster.

References:

McKay, M., Davis, M., & Fanning, P. (2009). Messages: The Communication Skills Book. Niew Harbinger Publications, Inc.

The Free Dictionary. (2016, April 6). Atychiphobia. Retrieved April 6, 2016, from The Free Dictionary: http://www.definitions.net/definition/definition